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My idea for the final Die Hard movie
As the movie begins an aged John McClane dies, only to recover consciousness in Heaven. Which has been invaded by and taken over by highly motivated demons and the other damned. The only being free is McClane, who manifested right after the take-over and got missed. Now only John McClane can save Heaven from the Legions of Hell!

Note that they could bring back Hans Gruber and his brother Simon for this.

Also posted at Dreamwidth, where there are comment count unavailable comment(s); comment here or there.

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Written by Richard Kadrey, one assumes.

Reminds me of the Lee Majors bit in Scrooged.


It does, it does!

Id Software would like a word with you. (Not that Willis wouldn't make an awesome DoomGuy...)

A nit

That, ahem, story started on the moons of Mars, though, as I'm sure you know. Completely different!

Exactly. Doom's science fiction, this is Bangsian fantasy.

I'm not sure how it could be done except with a sneak attack a la Pearl Harbor or 9/11, and I can't see how that could succeed, since all the leaders who refuse to pay attention to intelligence reports are in Hell.

You mean you think the God responsible for the whole Apple in Paradise incident couldn't be blind-sided by human behavior? Or that the God responsible for hardening Pharaoh's heart might not allow an invasion of Heaven purely to allow His chosen agent to defeat it? Or that God and his Adversary might not enjoy another round of Poke Lesser Beings with a Stick to see how they react?

I'm imagining a plot in which God discovers to his surprise that Hell has been taken over by devils.

"Die Hard: Finishing the Job"

Good grief, what did you eat before you went to bed?

No, since you're good enough to actually ask, I don't think any of those curious things, and I marvel that you were able to imagine them.

My own take on the Bible is that Prince Moses of the Hyksos tried to take the throne, there was a civil war, the true Egyptians of the Upper Nile drove the invaders out, and while they were in Sinai all the people who knew the real story were killed off. Then Genesis was cobbled together out of pieces of other religions, the story of Moses and the bulrushes, for instance, being stolen from the life of Osiris. Naturally the refugees are painted as victims.

There are lots of Heavens. I was working from the notion that this Heaven was one that the stories are derived from.

I am prepared, by the bye, to defend the position that if you accept the Miltonian notion of the War In Heaven, both sides are enemies of the Creator. Since we're created with free will, and Yahweh and Satan are equally tyrants, it looks a lot like all they're doing with this separate afterlife thing is divvying up the loot.

Where the Creator has got to is the whole point of the story, of course.

Working title TRIMMERS.

Well, it's Christmas, so maybe they're off working miracles elsewhere.

Why would this necessarily be the last one? It sounds more like a reboot. McClane goes from afterlife to afterlife screaming "yippee-kay-ai!" and shooting things and having warm family moments with guns.

Harder Dead To Hell and Back?

Die Hard in Valhalla.
Die Hard in Hades.
Die Hard in Nirvana (that one's problematic...)

Ascending with Difficulty towards Nirvana..

Sort of like the last few seasons of Hercules and Xena?

Keep it simple. "Died Hard".

I like the Britishism: "Dead 'Ard"

Died Hard was my thought. :-)

That's good for the first one of them, but what about the other afterlifes? Or will those be subtitles: Died Hard: Road to Valhalla, etc.?

Or It's a Wonderful Die Hard, where McClane returns to Earth to earn his wings by making terrorists wish they'd never been born.

You win all of the winning for this.

It's been years and I no longer have them on the shelves so I forget: was the ...In Hell series limited to figures from actual history as in PJ Farmer's Riverworld, or were fictional characters present in the ...In Hell series?

It included figures of such dubious historicity as Gilgamesh, and I'm pretty sure there was one story where someone was trying to liberate a petrified Zeus. Of course, the exact nature of the place varied from author to author...

Huh. Seems like the series was revived in 2011...

Now I seem to remember the Benford submissions included Incomprehensible Aliens at one point.

Ah, memories of DC's INVASION, where one of the atheistic Psions is very surprised to find themselves in an afterlife. It comes to the conclusion that such things are the creation of what the local intelligences think will happen and since a sufficient number of humans believe in afterlife, it (or rather a lot of afterlives) exists. It further hypothesizes that the specific afterlife one ends up in depends on the aggregate beliefs of all the intelligences in the area, which is how it ended up in Xtian hell.

Unfortunately the Psions on the Psion homeworld, they import enough living beings for use in cruel science programs that is the beliefs of the victims that define the afterlives on the Psion homeworld (and in fact since the Psions don't expect an afterlife at all, they don't put any effort into shaping it). So every time a Psion dies, it wakes up in an afterlife designed by beings whose last thoughts were probably dominated by how much they hate Psions.

There are enough meddling Powers in the DC universe that the Psions could have just asked somebody. I get the impression that they're a young race, though.

This would be a funny grace note to the Legion setting in the 31st century, though. Having figured out the rules for afterlives, the Psions could coldly and logically set up a Homeworld II where they bring sapient creatures selected for their superior levels of faith and are systematically nice to them.

I am aware this would degrade their effectiveness as cardboard-thin villains.

Couldn't they just indoctrinate their own youth with the belief that when you die you go to a place like this world, only without any of the annoying parts? Heck, learn some wizardry and they could arrange field trips.

The Psions' hat is that they're psychopathic experimental scientists, incapable of faith. I expect that at some point they've seen magic, but their gimmick forbids them from actually using it.

Afterlife is determined by the preponderance of belief in the living

Wow ...

So the rational response would be to have everyone believe as hard as possible in an afterlife which is the way they want to be in it? The ultimate democracy! There would be HUGE religious wars in the mortal world if people knew this.

What happens as beliefs change over the centuries - does the afterlife change, or does every era get a different afterlife?

Sell it to the studio, don't waste it here!

I'd actually go see that movie!

God could adopt John McClane the way Batman adopted Robin.

"Scholar, it seems we've to storm Hell!" --Swordsman Yin, A Chinese Ghost Story

Okay, in the shared spirit of dementia I have just come up with the idea that his Odd Sidekick in this movie would be his Aunt Shirley.

All the current film is doing is putting off the inevitable reboot, probably with Colin Farrell, or whoever is the big TV action star in a few years.

This is such an awesome idea. Done right, I would see this multiple times in the theater, *and* buy the DVD.

I'm just imagining the Greek one, with McClaine yelling, "YIPPIE-KAI-AY MOTHERF****R" and Oedepus yelling, "It's not my fault -- I didn't know!"

Lis just started singing, "Dumb ways to Die Hard / So many dumb ways to Die Hard. . . "

So basically, the plot of Diablo III?

--Dave, he could be a monk

I would watch the hell out of that.

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